Bakura's Guide to Fanfiction Pairings and Such
by xIsisx
Summary: Title says it all. Have you ever wondered what Bakura thinks of all the pairings... tendershipping... darkshipping... antagoshipping... ect? Now you can find out! I sound like a commercial. Rated for frequent cussing. CH.3 UP!
1. Ranting of Yaoi

Mortal, you are not worthy of me to greet. I am the great and awesome and sexeh and hott and bestest of the best, THE GREAT THIEF KING BAKURA! Bwahahaha... Worship the ground I walk on! Anyway, I've been reading a little bit of what you call 'fanfictions' involving some... relationships between yours truely and names I will not mention because it even gives ME the chills just to think about it. Why the fuck do you think I'd be GAY? That is completely rediclous. I shall not stand and watch this go on any longer! This shall be the fall of your dynasty! Muahaha! 

...Let me break that down for your simple, moronic, mortal mind: I shall voice my opinions on pairings including me and... other people. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! Yesssss... no one is worthy of me... some are lucky to be a small percentage in my eyes...

Let's look at the most common ones... Strangely, they happen to be yaoi. (wow that kinda rhymed) You people must be more touched in the head than I am. And that's saying something, because I've killed over 200 people at least, and all of them said that I was insane at least one time. (okay, most of them said that A LOT more times, but I don't care, for they all died in the end... kukukuku...)

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-- ****Bakura X Ryou - tendershipping ****--**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **2.5**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 9.99999  
Analyzation:**  
_ Hmm... by your modern standards, Ryou's hot. By MY standards, he's still hot. Why? Because he frigging looks like me, and saying that he's NOT hot would be insulting myself too. There seems to be a lot of fics in which I beat Ryou up - or rape him - or in some other way hurt/torture him. And after all that, he still loves me... CAN YOU PEOPLE NOT HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE! Believe it or not, Ryou's half sensible, and he knows that hanging around a maniacal, insane, immortal, king of thieves does NOT do good to your health.And this pairing gives new meaning to dirty thoughts. Tch. Children these days. I suppose it would look cute to see two hot guys walking down hand in hand or something... BUT I WAS NEVER ONE FOR CUTENESS. Bleck. Hate this pairing._

**-- ****Bakura X Yami - darkshipping ****--**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **0**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10: **7**  
** Analyzation:**  
_ You people NEVER cease to amaze me. How many times do I have to tell you? I HATE THE FUCKING PHARAOH! HIS DAMNED SO CALLED ROYAL BLOOD MURDERED MY VILLAGE! If that's not a good reason to hate him, I don't know what is. I WANT TO SEE HIS BLOOD PAINTED ON MY WALLS! I WANT HIS HEART FED TO THE PIG! I WANT HIS BRAIN FED TO THE BIRDS! Do I make myself damn clear? UGH! -shudders- Me and... him... THAT'S JUST SCARY! NOT RIGHT!  
Let me break that down for you: I HATE HIM WITH A FIREY RED BURNING PASSION.  
Enemies SHALL NEVER accept each other. Even after 3000 years. NEVER! I SHALL SLOWLY MURDER HIM._

**-- ****Bakura X Malik - thiefshipping**** --**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10:** 4.1**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10: **7.5**  
** Analyzation:**  
_ One of the VERY VERY few pairs that even have a chance of coming true. Malik is one of the even FEWER people I can stand to be alone with in a room for 3 minutes ...But he's still a dumb blonde. AND he comes from another vein of the royal line - the TOMB KEEPERS! I am a tomb ROBBER - he is a tomb KEEPER. Let me tell ya, those clans don't bode together very well.  
And that is all I have to say on the matter, oh, did I mention I HATE the line of tomb keepers?_

**-- ****Bakura X Ryou X Malik - tornshipping ****--**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **2.4**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10: **9**  
** Analyzation:**  
_ First of all, threesomes are just stupid. And I sense angst from this... a loooooot of angst. I hate angst. Why be moody about something when you can just KILL IT or fucking do something about it instead of sitting around not doing a SINGLE DAMN THING! I suppose it would be me with Ryou at the start, but then I leave him for some frigging reason and then Malik comes along and makes Ryou happy again? And I come back and find Ryou and Malik in bed, and... haha... this and that and... I STILL HATE TOMB KEEPERS!_

**-- ****Bakura X Touzoku-ou Bakura - geminishipping ****--**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **5**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10: **8**  
** Analyzation:**  
_ First of all, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that I would be able to meet myself and come in acual physical contact with him... me... whatever. But if by some of your 'strange fanfiction authoress powers' that it would come true, then I suppose it has a decent chance of coming true... I mean, I'm so hot, who wouldn't want to screw me? I mean - him? Ugh, I'm confusing myself. But if he is me and I'm him then screwing him would be like screwing me. And screwing yourself is just wrong... so... -falls over from dizziness-  
-holds up sign: 'I'm not narcissic!'-_

**-- Bakura X Seto - antagoshipping --**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **3**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10: **7**  
** Analyzation:**  
_ He's good looking, he's rich. Do I want to be with him? No. HE WAS THE DAMN PRIESTS THAT WANTED ME DEAD! Well, I wanted him dead too, but that doesn't count because I wanted ALL the royal people dead. Besides, I've never even talked to the guy. O.o Have you ever been to his mansion? I've snuck in once when I was broke, I needed some money! Know what I saw? Him and that Joey person making out in a pool of money. -.- They go at it like rabbits - anyway, I got a good loot out of it though. I think I still have a couple of hundred thousands in the bank. Bwah. Simple and plain? He's only good if you want LOTS AND LOTS of money. _

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I think those are some of the most popular yaoi ones. BLAH. Anyway, next time, we'll try the het pairings. Honestly, I don't think much of them either. I SHALL LIVE AND RULE THE WORLD ALONE! Bwahahahaha... 

If you want to know my thoughts on some other pairings, just press that little purple button on the bottom left... or is it right? Ra, I can never tell.. yeah it's left. Haha.


	2. Ranting of Het

I am sad. T.T Yesh, I know, the great tomb robber king of thieves Bakura is sad? Yes. Why must you think my ramblings are funny? THEY ARE HERE TO TORTURE YOU, damnit! Mortals these days have SUCH a WEIRD sense of humor. Then again, you people are weirder than me, and that's saying something, coming from the guy who kills people for fun, claims to be the darkness, cannot be destroyed, has a maniacal laugher, has a blood fetish... wait, am I insulting myself? -thinks- NAH. Good for you if you even have ONE of the traits that I mentioned. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See, there's my famous maniacal laugher. If you don't possess ANY of the traits... erm... you're... normal. AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING! I was normal once, and I didn't like it! Hey look, there's a poster with a purple sheep on it that saying just what I said! ...wait, sheep! Come back here RIGHT NOW! DON'T STEAL MY PHRASES! 

Do you think I'm getting off topic? Hm. What was I talking about in the first place anyway, oh well, doesn't matter...

And one of you DARED to ask me a question! FOOLISH MORTAL. Oh well, never mind. I'm in a good mood today (killed the Pharaoh 100 times today, but he's a fucking spirit so he can't be killed, but I killed his BODY **100** times today, so that made me happy) so I'll answer you question: Would I 'do' Ryou if he was a girl? Erm -shifty eyes- First of all, if he was a girl then he can't be my recarnation, and so he wouldn't be Ryou, therefore I would never know him and we'll probably live a bajillion miles apart from each other. And if by some weirdish magic we DO meet, well, let me put it this way: DO YOU THINK I'M NOT USED TO GIRLS TRYING TO HIT ON ME? Exactly. So no, I still wouldn't do him. Bwaha.

What? No, Ryou, no no no no, I'm not a fanfiction dot net... nope, not at all, see the blank screen? Yup, just turn around and leave now... thank you. GAH Ryou have a prejeduice against ff.n for some strange reason. O.o I really don't get it. Oh, and the blasted Pharaoh came over here today to... congradulate me. Apparently HE has a ff.n account too... O.O No I will not tell you what the username is. But anyway, he was getting tired of all the darkshipping stories too... **OH. MY. RA. **I just realized... the Pharaoh and I _agreed_ on something! The world is going to end! WE'RE ALL GONNA _DIE_! Erm... -shifty eyes- Anyway...

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-- Bakura X Tea - vexshipping --**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **0**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 6  
Analyzation:**  
_Nooo! I'd rather DIE than be paired up with THIS FREAK! I hate this pairing ALMOST as much as I hate darkshipping... and that's saying A LOT! Honestly, friendship? Happiness? Pink? BLECK! WORDS CAN NOT DESCRIBE MY HATRED! ...I know that was a little dramatic, shut up... IF TEA COULD JUST LIKE... DISSAPPEAR, THEN I'D BOW TO THE PHARAOH! ...wait, I take that back, if Tea AND the Pharaoh would just die, I'd bow to the Pharaoh's dead body, only IF he was the one that either 'accidentally' or purposely killed her_. 

**-- Bakura X Mai - conceitshipping --**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **0.2**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 6  
Analyzation:  
**_First, I have a question: Where the fuck do you mortals get these shipping names? I mean, come on, there's at least **520** shippings that I know of (and yes, ALL ygo) and they ALL have a frigging NAME! And no, I am NOT avoiding the topic! Mai is a slutty blonde that is OBVIOUSLY head-ova-heels with a certain OTHER blonde who is obviously head-ova-heels with a cetain CEO! Gosh! Along with many other pairings, I've never even TALKED TO HER! ..crazy fools who make up the pairing names... -mutters darkly-_

**-- Bakura X Isis - exoticshipping --**

Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **1.1**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 6  
Analyzation:**_  
Another character I haven't even talked to? She didn't mention me one single time except for that one part where she was at the museum and sensed my evil spirit coming. But the topic was on me for only about 3 seconds before she went back to talking about the greatness of the Pharaoh and destiny... and fate... and all those other things. I'll admit she's rather pretty, BUT she was the Priestess back then! SO that would mean she comes from a royal family, AND- well, you know the rest of my speech. Besides, any old fool could see that she has an intrest in SETO KAIBA... aka Priest Seto/Seth. Besides the fact that she's Malik's sister, I don't give a damn about her._**  
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**-- Bakura X Amane - lateshipping --  
**Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **0.5**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 6  
Analyzation:  
**_Um. She's dead... and she's Ryou's sister. Ryou doesn't talk about her often... 'cause whenever he does, he takes HOURS and I mean literally HOURS to regain his composure. But from what I managed to hear besides sniffles and bawls, Amane was a tough punkish girl. I mean, she was like only SEVEN when she died and she was able to knock the living lights out of 15 year olds. Scary... and NO THANK YOU... and I REFUSE to become a cradle robber..._

**-- Bakura X Mana - philtreshipping --  
**Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **0.4**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 6  
Analyzation:  
**_I'm getting REALLY tired of these silly pairings... let's see... she absolutely LOVED the guy I KILLED... does Mahaado ring a bell? Yeah, that guy who became the Black Magician... and this pairing's name is wierd TOO. What does philtre mean anyway... Oh, it means a love potion? -silence- And exactly HOW do you happen to know RYOU? Whatever, still a REALLY silly name. Oh, and I still refuse to become a cradle robber._

**-- Bakura X Serenity - screamshipping --  
**Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **1.1**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 7  
Analyzation:  
**_Talked to her? No. Pretty? No. Smart? No. Naive? Yes. Clingy? Yes. Friendshippy? Yes. Stupid pairing? YESSSS! Need I say any more? Nope. That girl just fucking pisses ME OFF! Damnit! -shakes with anger- TOO NAIVE! Almost as naive as YUGI! And that's saying something! And I SWEAR she's the recarnation of Kisara, who was OBVIOUSLY in loooove with Priest Seto. gah. Gah. GAH. GAH!_

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How's THAT for a chapter/entry/update/whatever? Next time I'll post rare pairings, probably yaoi... unless they suddenly create a bunch of new female characters. O.o Which, hopefully is NOT going to happen. 

And no, I STILL don't think anyone's worthy of me. Bwahahaha.

AND if fanfiction deletes this, I shall put it on my site! -sticks tongue out at ff.n- You can't get rid of ME! I'm immortal! Well, me AND my rantings AND stories.

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	3. Ranting of Randomness

Umm... sorry for the lack of updates, I guess? Welll anyway, in my last installment I said I was going to rant about the otherwise rare pairings, but then I changed my mind, because I'm magical like that. So I decided to rant about the different types of fangirls/fanboys. And though that idea stuck and I already finished more than seventy-five percent of it, I got bored. Haha, yes I'm a frustrating person to work with. And _then _(screw English teacher and her little 'don't start sentences with and' 'don't start sentences with the same things over and over' yeah okay little side rant there... carry on, uh, myself) I got swamped with otherwise -cough-ohsoimportant-cough- stuff that I stopped coming on to FF.N at all.

But now it's summer! Ha! Summer makes me very hyper and it also reverses my sleeping pattern? So what if I go to bed at six in the morning? _Gosh_. Leave me alone. Uh.. wait a sec, I just forgot what my ranting topic today was... OH YEAH.. haha.. too much root beer. Or was it _root_ beer? Hm? I'll let you decide.

Well anyway, today I'll focus on other people besides myself. (like OH MI GEE alert the media! Bakura is not focusing all the attention on him for once!) Yeah, get over yourselves already. I'm only doing this because, well, there are some rediculous pairings that you just can't ignore! Argg!

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** -- Yugi X Yami -- puzzleshipping**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **5**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 9  
Analyzation:**  
_Quick, GAG ME! My eyes! They burn! YES I know this is a very obvious relationship. YES I know many people support it. YES this couple DOES look cute ...but for me, the almighty thief of doom, this is NOTHING short of a living nightmare. One spikey head is enough, but TWO? ...going back to my request, gag me? Pleaaase?_

** -- Yami X Isis-- Avishipping**  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **2**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 7  
Analyzation:**  
_One word: no... Yeah I get the whole "king and queen royal look." But come on? This coupling would be waaaay to serious to um, ignite a spark. Besides, I'm sure the ancient scriptures (insert eyeroll) must mention something about 'thou shall not commence intimacy with the Pharaoh or those related to thereof...' Huh? What'd you mean I made that up? How dare you question me, foolish mortal? What's with the name for this pairing? Avishipping? What's an avi? ...you know, I could make a whole rant from the shipping names alone. _

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_Commercial break.. well, not really, but you get the point.. don't you? -evil glare- Yes you do dangit! Yeah okay anyway, the purpose for this break is that I just realized I haven't cussed in this chapter yet. UGHHH. Ryou just sucks the life right outta you, I SWEAR! So anyway to make up for the lack of cussing: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK? There that makes me feel better. And now fuck doesn't even sound like a word... well anyway, on continues the damned story/ranting/pie/thing!

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** -- Seto X Mai-- Arrogantshipping **  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **3**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 7  
Analyzation:**  
_Haha.. I have no comments really on this pair but I just wanted to point out the name of it. "__Arrogantshipping!" THIS IS ONE OF THE VERY FEW PAIRNG NAMES THAT MAKE SENSE! Lyk, ik, OH MY FUCKING RA! Well, it's not exactly a name you'd be proud of but it speaks the truth! It speaks the TRUTHHHH. (why doesn't truth have an 's' in it?)_

** -- Bakura X Dark Malik-- Psychoshipping **  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **3**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 9.9  
Analyzation:**  
_I'm sorry! But the lack of none-bakura-attentioness was REALLY starting to get on my nerves. But anywhoo... Me and the result of Malik's alter-ego syndrome? Well... -shifty eyes- when you put it that way, it's not so appealing. Buut... if you can ignore the stretchy face and the ULTIMATE hair that beats even Yami's, Dark Malik is quite a fucking hot person. ...What? Just because I said I hate Malik and all of his tomb keeper lineness doesn't mean I don't think he's not hot? Gosh. Ya know, Yami hates me but I still catch him checking me out from time to time... YES THAT DOES FREAK ME OUT VERY VERY BADLY but... I'm just proving my point... Hmm, either that or I'm just a really hot person! Which I am, of course._

** -- ****Touzoku-ou Bakura ****X Mahado-- Ringshipping **  
Likely to come true on a scale of 1 - 10: **1**  
Corruption of mind on a scale of 1 - 10:** 7  
Analyzation:**  
_Uh, can a three year old spell NO? Ickyy... AHH... I would SO not imagine EVER being with Mahado in my past life. WHY SHOULD ALL OF MY HOTTNESS BE WASTED ON A CHEAP MAGICIAN? ...I don't like that guy. PERIOD. And that's a very firm period, mind you._

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_I'm done ranting now... cause this is a cold basement with no heating and it's three in the morning and my fingers are cold and I'm starving and craving ramen... and sometimes I really wish someone for once to just tell me to shut up BUT my point is... I'm done ranting... I'm starving.. I MUST have ramen T.T if I die, IT'S YOUR FAULT um, WHOEVER'S READING THIS! ...oh wait, I can't die.. haha I forgot but I STILL NEED RAMEN very very badly!

Oh yeah, by the way, for a little shameless advertising. Check out this story:

**Fearing You, Loving You **by **Words of Red**

Or, ya know, if you're lazy, you can just go to xIsisx's page and click on her favorite authors and then click on Words of Red. -nods- And if you leave a review on that story, (AND PLEASE DO) tell them that Baku sent you! Teehee!

...I am SO not myself today...


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